Uzor Maxim Uzoatu
Let’s take a trip to a very strange country, a way-out country faraway from Nigeria, because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired about writing only of Nigeria.
The country I’m writing about boasts of the magic of a messianic figure that initially ruled as General One Man (GOM) but has since changed his bona-fides to President One Man (POM).
A broom for him!
POM is the owner, discoverer and executor of the unforgettable form of government known as Onemanocracy, to wit, government of one man by one man and for one man.
As the definition of the government goes, only one man knows everything in government; only one man matters in the act of governance, and that very man is no other than POM.
The government of POM only functions through the process of “Body Language”, and only cows can truly understand this body language.
It is incumbent on all and sundry to become cows to get a grasp of the body language of POM as per the clues of the policy direction of the administration.
For POM, corruption is the most heinous of crimes, and the best way to detect a corrupt fellow is to nab that man who is not behaving like a cow.
Whenever POM frowns – and this is very often – it means that POM has allegedly discovered yet another corrupt man in the country, a non-cow.
And the only factor that can save the corrupt bloke is to undertake a quick hop, step and jump into POM’s party of cows.
Through his consistent and very severe frowning, it has thus been discovered that the entire country is in fact a concentration camp of very corrupt characters that must perforce run into POM’s cattle colony.
A drug-crazed lunatic who had been hollering to the whole wide world that POM is actually a dead ghost has just run into the embrace of POM and promptly turned into a mad cow laden with mad cow disease.
Two brooms for POM and the drugged-out mad cow loony!
Like Don Quixote, the title character of Cervantes’ great novel who blasts away at an imaginary windmill, POM blasts endlessly at what he calls Dot.
Don Quixote wanted to bring back the old world of chivalry while POM is intent on bringing back by all means his iron past of essential commodities alias Essenco.
The one difference for now is that POM is in Government House while Don Quixote ended up in a lunatic asylum.
POM boasts that everything must definitely be given to the cattle that gave him 97 percent support while nothing at all will be given to the Dot that gave a paltry 5 percent support to his party, going by his wacky mathematics.
POM strongly believes that there is no competence anywhere else beyond the aboriginal mud hut of his 150 cows.
It needs to be revealed here that POM got fiendishly angry when one journalist gave him a copy of the Gettysburg Address delivered by America’s then President Abraham Lincoln on the afternoon of Thursday, November 19, 1863, that ended thusly: “… that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom – and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
Words like “liberty”, “freedom” and “people” gave POM a huge migraine such that he acidly banished “Abraham Lincoln” and his accursed “government of the people, by the people, for the people” from the syllabus of the country of cattle.
According to the decree of the fire-eating POM, what only reigns is Onemanocracy, that is, government of one man, by one man, for one man!
Another broom for POM!
As a distinct dimension of Onemanocracy, POM ardently believes the grazing route of infrastructure for cattle is the only way to go in the succeeding centuries.
To ensure that cattle infrastructure is abundantly built, POM stresses that there is no end to borrowing from China.
This way, there are now so many cows speaking Chinese in the upper chamber while kicking kung-fu in the lower legislature.
One has to go to George Orwell’s Animal Farm to learn that while all animals are more equal than others.
All cows are not equal in POM’s Onemanocracy Republic; the dots do not belong at all.
I had a glimpse of a photograph taken of POM in the company of his beloved cows before I returned from this strange country where Onemanocracy is being practiced.
The picture of the man and his cows bore this caption: “Fourth from right is our beloved President One Man (POM).”
Cow and man have become indistinguishable!
Here’s calling for 2023 brooms for the deathless POM!